Gatekeepers versus Trojans

The domestic roles of head and companion played by the man and wife respectively, aims at balancing the strengths and weaknesses of both gender as underscored by their inherent disposition. If maintained, it sought to cater to the efficacy and longevity of the matrimonial institution. Down the centuries, there have been a perpetual battle to tilt the scale ineither end. With this war a long way from a truce, either side may be inadvertently contributing to this feudal cycle in the manner they fulfil their role.

The fight for women right have evolved and gained momentum over time and, suffice to say, is duly established in this century as Feminism. More females now find prominence on the political, social and religious front. The common phrase: “What a man can do, a woman can do better” have unconsciously been propagated more than any other time in history. In Nigeria, this tussle for equality finding root in the homestead comes as an ambush - in its own right. Carefully nurtured under the auspices of her role is the quest for control and manipulation in the semblance of fairness over domestic assets, chores, time, pleasure, career pursuits, progenies etc. This noose is made complete with her gaining economic independence or bread-winning. What the man should feel as a complement he now sees as a usurper. The acclaimed fuel for this ‘rebellion’ highlights a failed Patriarchal system.

Patriarchy, simply put is ‘Male-control.’ These innocent letters alone pledge to responsibly fulfil its role as frontrunner.However, history generally show that actions backing thisword have questioned that undertaking as anything else but responsible. Add the masculine ego to the equation and the fuel for the Feminist stand becomes more volatile. Physical, verbal and sexual cruelty, perfidy, desertion, exploitation and other forms of indignities all build their distinct cases against the macho system. Some could argue that medieval times may have seen relative success in this scheme. But we can best reason that the failure was only oblivious or rather not questioned at the time due to varying mores and values that held sway. Now though, the drive to conform to modernity and satisfy its demands diminishes cultural values, creates an irony of sorts, thus exposing the patriarchal debacle and greatly ebbs away the tolerance for the fiasco. 

For instance, the challenge to meet the financial demands of the home have plunged more women into the work-force. Too, it is now regarded as normal to have a wife who earns which also satisfy the role they must play as complement. The downside to this assistance is that other domestic duties suffer thereby demanding an equal assistance from the man to cater to chores as cleaning, cooking laundry and care-taking. The Irony now is: while men are happy to get support in earnings, they frown at returning the gesture on things they have grown up knowing as ‘a woman’s duty.’ As their ego would have it, performing such menial tasks even if only rarely is a smear on the authority they must exercise. Rather consciously, the rude and selfish demand is for the woman to help him fulfil his duty while still efficient with her primary functions.

This idea of subservience diffuses into every facet of the marital life without ever aiming at equilibrium. Anything that intimidates his ego is considered a threat to his authority. By anything, we mean things he was brought up to understand as ‘not for men’ or as ‘making him less of a man.’ The culminating effect of such baseless masculine insecurityexposed in their manner of headship is the eroding zest in women to yield, recently revealed in the defence flag they now bear in their activism to secure themselves from the ‘Great Autocrat.’ Hence, the skewed view of the feminine role is due, in part, to the misguided characterisation and application of authority as tough rather than touché, force rather than finesse.

Having made a case for the feminal revolt, we can as well build one for its provocateur. In attempting this, we first consider what women generally want in potential suitors – financial prowess often nicknamed ‘ready-made’. While not being the absolute consideration, it is more often than not the pivot around which the basic temperamental elements to be pondered orbit and a lack of which diminishes a suitor’s chances. With the social and economic changes, there is increasing need for a conflated effort by primary crew members – the man and the woman –  to steady the boat before it sails the sea of conjugal bliss. Fewer women though are unwilling to undertake this task. Citing the cliché, I no com dis life com suffer, many opt to be helped aboard wherever the final boarding call – everything that describes a suitor as made – is made. Once set on sail, a conceited hypothesis is propounded: His money, our money; which put them in a volatile position. The often oblivious fact is few men, if any, are willing to evenly share control of wealth they struggled alone to amass particularly for a woman who appears to be all out for the fancies and never the realities. Steering his reluctance is a fading admiration for her that play out in various less dignifying ways. The lesson for her is to put her money where her mouth is.  His tool, despotism.

Akin to the socioeconomic changes is the pressure from a quest to maintain a high profile borne from sheer ambition or subtle or overt push from the woman. It will require exceptional emotive discipline to administer authority fairly in other vital aspects of the domestic life after such passionate expenditure have been made on the hustling process. With the indignities experienced, he sets out to revive his ego with the home as his domain and his authority as the weapon. This utter drive posits that men may be emotionally unintelligent to create a balance in their personality. Otherwise, women deliberately put themselves in a bad position with the high bar placed for the men. Whatever the case, the homogeneous effect is in plain sight.

Men are supposed to be guiding stars leading women to a manger of connubial pleasure. However, the compass needle is faulty and navigation is now off course triggering an uprising. Being gatekeepers to their citadel, women are charged to examine every entrant knocking to help fulfil her marital desires. But with their checklist doctored and rather presumptuous carriage, the Trojan horse have been lead right in.